The Irrationality Of Snoring

The Irrationality Of Snoring

O

h. Freak. No.

These are the three words that roll through my head from time to time. They used to explode in my mind every night, but I have since moved rooms. I live on a hospital ship in west Africa and bunk with three other guys. My current bunkmate only snores occasionally, and if he does I can easily convince him not to by snapping  my fingers once or twice. Previously I lived with a guy that wouldn’t respond to me hitting the bed frame as hard as I could while shouting obscenities.

wide-awake

That’s not an exaggeration. And boy could he snore. He snored so loudly that he vibrated the beds in the adjacent rooms. As much as misery may love company, I wouldn’t really wish that on anyone. And the fact of the matter is, that sleep deprivation makes you crazy.

crazy-algebra

Not the nice normal crazy like math teachers who have finally decided that algebra makes sense. I’m talking batshit murder crazy.

bat-shit-crazy

Here you are, a perfectly normal, sane human being, lying in bed, falling asleep.

getting-sleepy

Oh sweet sleep, here you are. Claim me. Take me in your arms and whisk me away to magical lands, where peace and joy flow like streams through fields of golden ecstasy…

oh-sweet-dreams

Somehow it always comes to pass that at this very point, the snoring begins.

nightmares-are-born-of-this

One of two things are bound to happen at this point. The first is that the snoring is intermittent, and every time you’re about to fall asleep you’re dragged back to consciousness by the dry throaty horror in the dark. The second is that the snoring simply doesn’t stop. Both have the same effect after a while.

time-to-kill

Earplugs, music, large globs of candle wax… nothing blocks it out effectively enough. In fact, it gets to the point where even the suggestion of a snore is enough to cause you to twitch. All you want to do is yell “REALLY?!” and kick the ceiling.  Suddenly you find your mind wandering into territory that you never imagined yourself capable of. The thoughts you have don’t even really make sense.

irrational-snoring-solutions

Even though this takes far more energy than simply rousing the noisy offender from his slumber, it makes some sort of sadistic sense. You know you’re just going to wind up back here again. You might as well end it all now. Anyone who tells you they aren’t capable of murder has never lived with someone who snores. After my own experiences I’m pretty convinced I’ll need to do research in the future on any prospects for marriage. I’m not saying I won’t marry a girl who snores, I’m just saying that I’m not opposed to having separate rooms.

blueprints

Because really, I don’t want to lie awake at night imagining new and crazy ways to kill my own wife. That seems wrong to me somehow. And when you’re stuck lying awake in bed, all you really have left to you is scheming. The ideas of how to end your sleepless suffering inevitably get more elaborate, until your imagination exhausts you to the point that you pass out.

At first your plans work themselves out in such a way that no one will ever know it was you. Hiring Bulgarian spies to find you a Nepalese hitman and contract him to take out your roommate with a steady dose of heavy metal poisoning, for example. Of course you realize that this could take weeks, even months, and you don’t have that long to live yourself with as little sleep as you’re getting. By the end you’re imagining Rube Goldberg machines you could build that would eventually pop a balloon to scare a mouse into running and pulling a string attached to a shotgun trigger. Thankfully you don’t have a shotgun available, and all of this scheming finally leads to sleep.

Either that or you finally get angry enough to commit murder.

stop-snoring

 

Enjoy this post? You’ll love my 10 reasons to hate moths, or how I react when asked if my book is exactly like Lord of the Rings. Of course you can buy my novel White Shores instead. It’s a fantasy novel, not exactly comedy, but it’s well worth the read.

 

White Shores on Amazon

 

  • i like that you are drawing again, i would love to see Bi-Polar Bear make a come back

    • Perhaps he will, though that took even more time to make than this does.