I Hope You Fail at Moving

I Hope You Fail at Moving

Rather, I want you to tell me how you managed to do it. Because I’m kind of stumped by the concept. I was catching up with Zoe Winters (who posted a guest blog by yours truly yesterday) a while back. The conversation consisted of the usual nonsensical banter. I asked where in the twitterverse she’d been, as she had been silent for a good while. On vacation and moving, she said. Without thinking, I responded that I hoped both were successful.

In re-reading that sentence, something felt kind of weird. And then she called me out on it. “I don’t understand an unsuccessful move. How can you move unsuccessfully? Doesn’t seem like something you could fail at… it just lets me know how freakishly goal oriented we are in America when we frame things like a move or a vacation in terms of success or failure.”

Well, Zoe, we are winners. But America being super-awesometastic aside, it is a bit of a strange concept.

We went back and forth for a while, and in the end I’m not convinced that you can fail at moving. And somehow she was the one that was trying to do the convincing.

The first guess was that if you tried to move and wound up homeless, you’d failed at moving.

u-hauls-are-not-toilets

The thing is that you still successfully moved. You just didn’t wind up moving to where you’d originally intended. Even living in the U-Haul is the equivalent of success when you think about it. Then she suggested “You buy a house and during the moving process a tornado comes and crushes it.”

home-owners-insurance-is-important

Well for one, I don’t know how much ‘crushing’ tornadoes do. I tend to associate house-crushing with giant robots who subsist on cupcakes. But I digress. Couldn’t you just call a tornado an act of God and walk away with your win-loss record in tact? I mean, if you’re playing football and a sinkhole opens up in the middle of the field, no one really loses.

put-options-dont-work-in-sports

Of course, if your heart was really set on that particular house (the one that got ‘crushed’ by the robot-free tornado) then you lose, right? Well, not really. Just think of it as having moved all over the place. You now have a dream home in multiple locations.

property-taxes-suck

Perhaps you move, but end up at the wrong address. When you try to get your stuff inside you wind up arrested for breaking and entering. Fail? No. Well yes, because you’re an idiot. But not entirely. You got a free meal out of it. And in the end the police moved your stuff to the right place for a nominal fee and the minor inconvenience of two nights in prison.

In the end it’s all in how you frame success.

Uncle-Lester-is-successful

OK, let’s say that a pack of rabid weasels inhabits your new home. When you get there they launch into a frenzy and eat all of your stuff. They grab you and your family and drag you down the street where they force you to sign the deed over to their leader. Let’s call him “Sir Weasley.”

sir-weasley

Sir Weasley now owns your home, and has eaten most of your worldly possessions.

Sir-Weasley-is-full-on-your-posessions

Have you failed at moving? No! It’s a bunch of freaking weasels! Get your stomping boots on and show them who’s boss! Come on! What kind of lowly coward are you?

weasel-free-living

Cowardice aside, you obviously don’t know your constitution well enough to realize that it provides no rights of land ownership for weasels. The Bill of Rights does protect their right to wear bow ties, however. So don’t cross any legal boundaries when you try to tell them they can’t.

White Shores on Amazon

Have you ever failed at moving? I honestly don’t believe you but I’d still like to hear your fabricated story.

Did you like this post? There are more lulz to be had in my 10 reasons to hate moths and how I respond when people ask if my book is like Lord of the Rings.

  • Kaarin S

    hahaha perfect