10 Reasons to Hate Moths
This is pretty much an adaptation of a Twitter rant I went on a few months ago (and has since been adopted into a cartoon on YouTube). Considering the timeless nature of the subject, I figure why not revisit it in the blagosphere. I wrote these when I was in a place in Africa that mandated I sit outside to use the internet. Actually, I could sit inside but the number of openings in the walls and amount of bird poop on the floors made it feel like it was outside. In either case, the moths were a pest with which to be reckoned. So, with no further adieu, here are ten reasons why I hate moths. You make up your own minds.
Moths are imposters
That’s right. People often ignorantly associate moths with their better-known cousin, the butterfly. The thing is, butterflies are gentle, beautiful creatures that flutter gently in the breeze and brighten your day.
Moths are dirty, heavy, dusty creatures that would take your wallet as soon as spit on you. Both of which they’re attempting to do every time they flop by. They’re evil and annoying.
They love to hit you in the face
I don’t know what it is about moths, but they have this terrible tendency to flutter into your face. And it isn’t ever the soft, gentile touch that we so regularly associate with butterflies. Flutter is probably the wrong word. They flap and smack you in the face repeatedly whenever they get the chance. And they don’t go away. It’s like they’re searching desperately to escape a fire and you’ve got massive “emergency exit” signs plastered on your forehead.
Not to mention they do it so hard that they often wound themselves. Fatally. And then they expect your pity! Flopping around on the ground like that…
They get dust on everything
Why on God’s green Earth are they covered in dust? That seems like reason enough to hate them, but in the end it’s not for me to judge what you cover yourself in. Just don’t get it on me! It’s like having some scrub for a neighbor that’s never heard of soap come over at random and rub himself on your furniture. Thank God moths don’t smell like your hobo neighbor. In reality they probably do, but thankfully are too small to register in the olfactory senses.
They flutter all over your computer screen
If you’re in a fairly dark area there’s a good chance a moth is attempting to hump the living daylights out of your computer screen right now. I couldn’t tell you why it’s so infatuated with your screen, but it’s probably obstructing your view as you read this very post. There are few things as annoying as that. When you’re focused on something like your computer and there’s something hovering around and interfering with your ability to see. You might as well have someone walk by and dangle a hotdog in front of the screen. They should probably hit your computer with the hotdog too because they like to fly as hard as they can into things as if they were trying to enter another dimension.
You might as well hit yourself in the face with that hotdog while you’re at it because you know that moth is coming for you.
They obstinately refuse your help
For something so small and stupid you should have an easy enough time getting it out the door, right? Wrong. Because odds are they’re huge, heavy, and make weird buzzing noises whenever you get close. And they bounce. I’ve tried to hunt down moths for hours before. And every time you hit them they just bounce away behind something to hide. It takes an elaborate system of well timed pushes and pulls on available objects to flush them out from wherever they are (which is never where you expect). Then of course you have to overcome your stark terror when it flies directly at your face long enough to bat it down again in self defense. Which, of course, leaves you in the “finding moth” phase again. You try to usher it out into the back yard peacefully, but every time it gets within inches of the threshold it darts back into the room. By the time you get it out into the wild again it’s mortally wounded. Expecting your pity. Flopping around on the porch like you were trying to do this to it the whole time. Ugh…
They leave a mess if you do kill them
So you’ve given up on getting it out the door peacefully and have decided just to end everyone’s suffering and kill it. Well not without leaving a mess. It’s like moths are built to encourage you to kill them with every excruciating motion and yet discourage you from doing just that with the results. Not only do they leave a dust trail across your computer screen and around your ear (a choice location for repeated visits), but as soon as you give them even the most gentle thwack you’re rewarded with a disproportionate amount of brightly colored guts. How God packed that much goo into each and every moth I’ll never know. In the end they put Gushers to shame (you’ll never look at those things the same).
You can’t kill them and feel satisfied
Why? Not because the act doesn’t deserve satisfaction. I mean you started out out trying to save its life and in return it hit you in the face about ten times. No, it’s because there’s always some overly-conscientious animal lover nearby. Someone who would stop using anti-bacterial soap if they realized the massacre that resulted from each hand washing. It’s because the hottest girl in the room happens to see you smash that dirty moth, and you smile. And when you make eye contact she looks at you like you’ve stepped over that line that only professional assassins and payday loan dealers ever cross.
They sense vacuums in moth space
Even if you do manage to kill one and avoid the inevitable lecture that’s lurking around the corner, there is an infinite number of moths waiting to replace their fallen comrades.
They rarely show up all at once. No. They hang out in solitude or, at most, with a partner. Their plan? To annoy the hell out of you. Then, when you’ve finally gotten them back outside or, heaven forbid, killed them, two more pop up. They usually give you a few minutes of respite to let you settle back down. To begin to appreciate your peace and calm. Get back into your book. And then BAM! They smack you in the face and you’re back to square one.
This could fit anywhere, but my buddy Jeff will be the first to admit that the right moth at the right time will scare the living daylights out of you. In fact, he’ll admit that any moth will scare him at any time anywhere. When we were painting our house a few years ago he had to take a two hour break because of a buzzing-moth incursion. But anyone caught off guard will jump out of their skin at the random appearance of a moth. And of course, that random appearance usually has fallout. Like it dive-bombs you, bounces off your face, and lands in your food. Flops around for a while, then disappears. Your food is ruined. You have a fresh stain in your pants. And all you want to do is kill… kill… kill…
Then you try to go to the bathroom to clean up, turn on the light, and BAM – moth attack. It hits you in the face.
You scream and roll around on the ground like you’re on fire. It finds a new place to hide. And the cycle continues.
They’re ridiculously stupid
We all hate stupid people to some degree. You might not hate them, that’s a strong word, but they certainly frustrate all of us. Even stupid people get annoyed by stupid people. Moths are the retards of the animal kingdom. Don’t believe me? Next time a moth tries to get out of your house, open a window. It’ll find the glass pane alright, but I promise it won’t find that opening for at least six minutes. If you try to help it, odds are it will just slap you in the face and wander back towards your tasty tasty clothing. I didn’t even mention clothing!
Moths eat your clothes!
I mean, COME ON! As if slapping me around, getting dust on my computer, ruining my food, and scaring the poo right out of me wasn’t enough. Now you have to go hide in my closet and eat my shirt? This is one of those sneak attacks that you might not even attribute to the moth. You’ll be half-way through your job interview before you realize that the interviewer is staring at your chest. And you’re a guy. And then you realize that you have holes in your nice button-up shirt where cloth should be covering your nipples. Granted you should have realized this BEFORE you walked out of the door. But how often do you really check for these things? And you won’t even think to blame the moth. You’ll blame your shirt-eating roommate who you knew you should have kicked out when the lease was up…
Granted, if that happened you could probably get the job just by threatening to sue for sexual harassment. Though odds are a moth would get into the judge’s chambers and annoy him into having you held in contempt of court.
I’m telling you, moths are jerks. They’re out to get you. Get your shotguns. It’s moth season.
You just read it, but here’s the cartoon version on YouTube with some fresh drawings. Enjoy!